My Drudge Report

0 Comments:

The year was 1996. Chechyna was starting to blow up, Yasser Arafat was the new leader of the Palestinian Authority, and Doom had just been released on the PC. Dolly the sheep had just been cloned and both OJ Simpson and Clinton were on trial. Momentous events were underway.

And I was at a desk three blocks away from the White House... crunching dry research statistics for the Feds. The work was about as stimulating as the stale crackers that line the edge of soup bowls in road-side diners.

One morning, I realized that my left brain was doing all of the work. And that my right brain was packing up to leave the homeland and emigrate to a land of more opportunity. Since it's hard to put a creative spin on a regression analysis, I fired up WordPerfect (that cutting edge marvel of the DOS era) and wrote this updated ABC primer:

A is for Adam, devouring apple pie.
B is for the Bhaghwan, who thinks that he can fly.
C is for the Crescent, Islam in the sky, and
D is for the Doctor, playing four holes on the sly.
E is of the Everglades, mist and mosquito net.
F is for the Forecastle, where sailors all get wet.
G is for the Gulag, a safe place to say "Nyet", and
H is for the Hotel Ritz, a place to earn a debt.
I is for the Inchworm, who hates all metric terms.
J is for the Jelly Jar, more airtight than an urn.
K is for the Korean War, a lesson never learned, and
L is for the Lettuce leaf, more tasty than a fern.
M is for the Mothers, whose day approaches soon.
N is for a Nucelar Sub, sleek and silent doom.
O is for the Ovid, cryptic as a rune, and
P is for the Pentagon, crazy as a loon.
Q is for the Quetzal bird, whose feathers were adored, and
R is for the Rocking chair, where grandfather is stored.
S is for the Sullen son, who violates all norms.
T is for a Tanning bed, where melanoma forms, and
U is for my Uvula, I seek it when I'm bored.
V is for the Vikings, angry men at sea, and
W is for the viking Wives, who made their menfolk flee.
X is for a Variable, who knows for what it stands.
Y is for the age of Youth, spent best with friends at hand, and
Z is for the Zygote, could be a woman or a man.

It made me feel a lot better, especially since I didn't have to touch the numeric keypad once while typing it. One of these days, I'm going to find a decent illustrator and publish this as a children's book. It will be stocked in the libraries of fine in-patient mental health institutions around the country.

 

Show all posts